One week ago today while out shopping we passed the feminine hygiene Isle. It suddenly dawned on me I felt sick. I reached up and picked a pregnancy test off the shelf and handed it to daddy who was walking towards us after finishing off the shopping. He nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on as normal.
At home daddy gave you lunch. I went to the bathroom and returned minutes later with a white stick and two blue lines. Shock, happiness and fear. It took so long and a round of IVFT to get pregnant with you we had just decided to leave baby number two up to fate, fate was clearly in a rush. We got this though, you are an amazing baby, placid, happy and content and at fifteen months old a great sleeper. Perfect timing to introduce a new member to our family right?
The excitement lasted a grand total of seven hours before reality slapped us both in the face. Ten o’clock that evening just as I closed my very heavy eyelids you woke screaming. The second I picked you up I could tell something was wrong you was burning up and beside yourself. 39.9c I stripped you down, gave you calpol, water and cuddles and put you in our bed so I could keep an eye on you. You drifted in and out of sleep as your temperature fluctuated. I was close to a trip to hospital but although still high your temperature eventually came down a little and you settled for a longer stretch. The following day was a day of cuddles and poonarmies. Just one poo explosion after the other. My heightened sense of smell and queasy belly the only reminders of yesterdays discovery. The next four days were awful. Seeing you sick always breaks my heart but this was the worst I had seen you. A constantly high temperature and diaoharea left you quiet and lethargic. You slept in our bed, content only when you was curled up around my face, cutting off my oxygen supply. You was OK though, after four sleepless nights you got back to your sweet and lovely self. It took me a bit longer to recover. In fact I’m still not sure I’m over it.
I feel terrified at the prospect of looking after two of you. It reminded me of all the sleepless nights that will come. I’m fearful I will do half the job I am doing looking after you, like my love will be split in two and divided. I can’t imagine loving another human as much as I do you so it must just half when another baby comes along right? I’m told that’s not the case and in actual fact my love will double but right now I’m just worrying about how this decision affects you.
I’m worried about the next few months as my bump grows. Picking you up, rolling around the floor, carrying you around the house, all things that will have to change. How am I going to keep lifting you into your cot when my bump gets in the way? What if I’m too tired to take you out places, less patient with your tantrums, less present due to an obvious distraction?
I could dwell and worry for the next few months but there is enough worry in pregnancy without any extra thrown into the mix. I have to stay strong and hope that giving you a baby brother or sister is the best gift daddy and I could give you and no matter how it will affect our family of three hope that the years of laughter and memories you make with your sibling will leave you feeling full and give you a friend for life.
The one thing I do know is that I am going to make the most of every second with you as my only child before Boo Boo number two arrives.
You are eighteen days young today. Eighteen days since you was dramatically pulled into this crazy world and wow what a journey we have had already.
you are one crazy little person who I am loving getting to know. A little puzzle for me to try and solve but you keep me on my toes changing from day to day.
At eighteen days young you have outgrown your first baby grow. You have allowed me to experience so many emotions at intesity levels off the scale.
I am on a roller coaster with ups, downs and massive loop the loops. We have queued up along time for this and it felt like a lot of people kept pushing in front of us. With a bit of help though we got our turn and wow what a ride this is turning out to be.
One day in the not so distant future you will be big and all grown up. I dread that day and look forward to it in equal measures but for now want to treasure the memories for good and bad and keep a diary of our adventures for you to read in the future.
As you curl up on my chest I am looking around me. The curtains are already drawn at 5pm, It made sense to do it during your last nap even though it was still light. There is a half eaten cheese toasty to my left which you perfectly timed your awakening for. I love how you have already taught me to eat with one hand. There is a corner in the room full of pink bags which are full of gifts from people you will maybe never meet but who are important to mummy and daddy in there own way. My phone is skilfully placed within arms reach so I can update my baby tracking app, what time did I last feed you, change you, how long was your last nap? You have changed me in so many ways in such a short space of time.
So much to tell you and teach you, how you came to be, growing you, your dramatic entrance into the world and the eighteen days that followed. A story that is still being written but for now just know I love you and am learning about you daily so please keep teaching me your quirky ways.
Love your mummy
p.s today’s highlights
Wearing the same bra and top all day without getting too milky or vomitty.
waking up to your beautiful smile was my favourite part of today. Although the experts would probably just tell me it was gas as you shouldn’t be smiling yet.
Bathing you all by myself equals high point, putting too much baby oil in the bath (sink) leading to slippery baby equals low point. But on the upside again it seems to have helped your dry skin.
Getting pooped on at 3 am equals low point so thanks for that. Entering poopy diaper into baby tracking app and ticking the rarely used ‘open air accident’ button was an exciting treat though.
A lovely visit from a good friend and a gift of new shoes. My feet are still too fat and I’m not exactly hitting the town any time soon but they simbolize good times to come.